Can I just be real for a second? Like… really, really transparent with you?
Today has been A DAY. The kind of day where I feel like I matter so little that I ask myself why I even bother. The kind of day where I want nothing other than to be understood and yet I feel like nothing I say will make anyone understand me. The kind of day where I seriously wonder sometimes if I am completely invisible unless someone wants something from me. The kind of day where one little thing happens and it brings back EVERYTHING that has ever made me feel the same way and makes me feel an inch tall, not to mention like I'm still stuck in high school. The kind of day where I just. don't. feel. GOOD ENOUGH.
Ugh. I hate days like this. This is not who I am… but it brings out the worst of my insecurities. What's my age again? Thank you Blink 182 for that profound question. I wonder that myself sometimes. One would think at 30 that this kind of crap would be behind me already.
When I was in elementary school all the way up to when I was 20, I had this friend who I considered my best friend. And repeatedly throughout those years, she would bail on our friendship and on me to go be BFFs with someone else. And then when that person bailed on her, she would come back to me and I would forgive her and be her best friend all over again- as long as she decided to keep me around, anyway. My parents and my grandma warned me over and over again to be cautious
with this person because they saw how hurt I was every time I would get
left behind. Maybe I was just obnoxious but I would rather lose a friend permanently knowing that I was obnoxious so I could change rather than wonder what is so wrong with me that someone can desert me temporarily, but keep me around for convenience. This went on many times until she completely wrote off our friendship when we were in college with a handwritten, mailed letter saying she didn't want me in her life anymore. At that point, while I was confused and once again hurt and wondered where she got off being so self-righteous and condescending, I felt as if I were much better off without this so-called friend, and I never responded and moved on with my life.
It really sucks being used. The very meaning of that word in the
context of relationships implies that, eventually, you get thrown
away-discarded- without any regard for the fact that it really, really
Fast forward six years when she tracked me down on MySpace and asked for my forgiveness and for a restored friendship. And I forgave this person, truly, and we are again friends. But what I never made peace with is the effect that friendship had on me through the 12 years I endured never being good enough to be her friend after someone better came along.
Growing up as an only child (my brother and sister were grown and out of the house when I was born), I placed a high value on friendships. I still do, but as an adult I now have more solid boundaries. And I suppose the problem is that this hurt that I never truly processed has made me hyper-sensitive to unbalanced friendships and relationships and the rejection that accompanies them. Being treated like I don't matter to someone I hold in high regard is something I have a really hard time dealing with. Sometimes it's outright shocking and other times it's just like, "OK… but… seriously?" I don't blame my friend for the fact that I haven't dealt with things completely- that is my responsibility. It's just what happened. What I am learning in light of this is that balanced friendships are rare, valuable and definitely to be cherished. The rest deserve respect and kindness but in the end don't really matter, because they won't be there for you when you need them.
OK… enough with the pity party. This is also the kind of day where I totally need to get over myself. I
know this all sounds incredibly narcissistic- half the time the things
that hurt me aren't even about me- they're about the other person.
That's another thing I've learned as I grow older. When all is said and
done, I'm fine… I just need a hug from my husband when he gets home
from work tonight. Tomorrow is a new day.
I know that Linnea will mostly learn from her own mistakes. Now that I'm a mom, I understand that as much as I want to teach her the things I have learned and protect her sweet little heart, experience is going to be the best teacher. I can only pray that she is guarded from being too hurt and that she is wise in her decisions. I can guide her and teach by example. But that will require first that I make peace with my own past, and make the most of the days I am blessed to have. God willing, I will someday fully experience where my true worth lies- not in the opinions and insecurity of others, but in Christ alone. I have searched and searched and no matter who I encounter, another person will never value me as much as my God does. The same is true for all of us.
Are there things in your life that you haven't made peace with yet? Would you be willing to share? If you're a mom, or soon-to-be, are there things you want your children to know based on your experiences? Sometimes, even if the situations are completely different, it's good to know that other people are human and have things they have to deal with too. I normally don't do this, but… today, I just had to get this out.
On another note, I am really thankful for these people:
Bri, Brett, Cassie, and Matt! These are the folks in our small group… and they are simply wonderful.
I am also thankful for this person, my BFF through thick and thin, through all my highs and lows:
This girl is the real deal- God has shown me his love, friendship and loyalty through her in big ways. I would not have kept my sanity all these years without her listening ear and no-nonsense advice. If she wasn't on a ten-day camping trip with her hubby this week, I probably would have unloaded all of this on her and you wouldn't have had to read any of this long-winded nonsense. Ha!